[	Current Mood	|	indescribable	]
[	Current Music	|	such great heights by The Postal Service	]

can you miss someone and not feel sad about it? it's an unusual feeling. you reminisce your times together...how it feels to be close to him...his warm touch...the sound of his voice...his radiant smile...the things you use to talk about...sweet nothings....jokes you tell each other, sometimes funny but most of the times not. it doesn't matter. i love laughing with you...over anything. i miss sitting in a dark theatre with you. i miss the way you look away when i catch you looking at me. i miss holding hands while walking...on the street...on the beach...under a moonlit sky. i miss you so much.

so what now? i miss you but i am not doing anything about it. i haven't tried calling you at all. i am not planning on writing you either. i am not doing anything about it. i miss you and it makes me smile. it feels good to miss you. it makes me happy that somehow...no matter what...the thought of you still creeps into my consciousness. it makes me happy that you are, in some ways, still part of me. soon...i will miss you so much that it will hurt. but for now, let me miss you like this.

unconditional love is such a contradiction. for how can you love someone and not expect anything in return, not even their love, and be happy with it? to wake up one day and to discover that i am and always have been in love with you is a wonderful burden i did not expect. i love you yet i do not want you to love me. not that i do not want you to. i know you cannot love me. loving you it seems is all the happiness i desired. what kind of happiness is this? i do not know why you can love a person and yet do not expect anything in return. i want to love you not because i want you to love me but because...i do not have wordly reasons for it.

In this month’s issue, she wrote about the practice of detachment. Letting go of things that are bogging down your life. She made it a point to say that detachment is not the same as indifference, being passive or simply not caring. The whole point was, if there is something in your life that is beyond your control and is affecting you so much, you must learn to detach yourself from it. It simply means, let it go. Easier said than done I suppose, but she put up a good argument that it is actually easy. She also said that letting go is even easier if you leave it up to a higher being to let what is affecting you on its own course. All you can do at that point is to hope for the best outcome it can possibly have. I think she’s trying to tell me that it helps to believe in God (or something similar to it.) I was born a Catholic but while growing up, I questioned the church too much for me to completely believe in it. I think I doubted the practices of the church more and not about the existence of God, so I am not completely hopeless on that part.

I like that she went into detailed steps on how to practice detachment. One part really hit me though. She said, if something is hurting you, you must learn to deal with it at least once. Take it in and if you must, feel the pain no matter how much it hurts. But she cautioned to not dwell in this step longer than necessary. This is where a lot of people get into more trouble. They dwell in the hurtful aspect of it too much that they end up doing self-destructive things, like drinking too much alcohol, smoking a pack a day or even taking drugs. The only reason why this step is necessary is so you can be familiar with what is affecting you. This is the same as; you can only cure an addiction if you admit that you are.

I see her point. I know it too well. I was going through it last year. Someone I loved betrayed me and I couldn’t let that go. I carried the hurt and anger too long that it became part of my life. I wake up everyday with it hanging over my head. It affected a lot of my decisions in life. One thing leads to another and before I knew it, I became self-destructive. It wasn’t exactly alcohol or drugs, but there were times that I put myself in danger, physically and emotionally speaking. I let myself into situations that made me feel sorry for myself and made me feel worthless even more. I allowed people to hurt me, to take advantage of me, to suck whatever life was left of me because, I thought, I deserved it.

I had to put a stop to it. I can’t keep on living that way. I had to let go. I realized I already did but not completely. I have done all the steps she mentioned except the part about leaving it to a higher power to take care of its outcome. She said that you tell yourself, “I have done all I can do so I leave it to you, God.” Then you wish for the best possible outcome it can have. The outcome may not be what you wanted. For example, you may have wished for a certain love to come back to you but it may not the best outcome for you both. In order for you both to be happy, you may have to be apart and that is the best outcome. You must accept it. And I have.

(originally written on april 12, 2004)

I recently took up texas hold'em poker and for a newbie, I feel I'm doing pretty well. So far, I'm breaking even and sometimes I win a small amount. I need to develop a "hardened" heart or something. I actually felt guilty winning a big pot last thursday. I felt bad beating the only other girl in our poker group (out of 20 or so guys, there are two of us ladies. It's unladylike to be so competitive like this, especially towards another girl.) Anyway, I just need to get over it and not show that I actually felt sorry winning. A true winner should never apologize for winning.

I should be careful not to go over the top when I win though. I might get disinvited. I actually enjoy this bunch of players I'm playing with. It's a good mix...strong players, average players, loose players and players who drinks beer and smokes pot (they're the easiest ones to play against with. well, only because they play looser than looser players. they think they play better when they're high. good for me if they'll keep on playing that way.)

Anyway, I finished fourth place last time in our home game poker tournament but I felt my loss was okay. The other guy got lucky on the river. I don't think it would be interesting if I write in detail on how that play went down but all I can say is, I know what I did wrong that time and I can fix it. My goal was just to finish somewhere on or above third place. Only the top three gets paid. I'm looking forward to next thursday.

i took a half day from work today to take care of my moving stuff . i'm moving this weekend. anyway, while waiting for the apartment manager to show up for our appointment, i joined a multi-table No Limit Hold'em tournament for 20 bucks buy-in (plus 2 bucks entry fee). there were about 746 applicants. this is the third multi-table tournament i've entered in. i usually play the sit 'n go tournaments. i figured, "hey, it's only 11 am and i don't have to be at work until 1 pm. why not join?" besides, i'm gonna bust out earlier than that. i don't think i would finish in the money since only top 80 gets paid and with 746 people playing, it was a long shot for me.

well, i guess my play was good enough since i increased my chip count to three times the original amount half way to the tournament. but i was a bit worried about the time...it's was past noon and it takes me at least 20 minutes to get to work. i have to be outta there in less than 30 minutes. i thought i would bust out by then. i increased my chip count again to 6 times the original amount  when i called an all-in bet.  i had nines fulls of aces. he had queen pair with jack kicker. i got my full house at the turn and the river. the other guy was pissed.

argh! just when i'm doing well, i have to go to work. 

anyway, i still cannot solve the problem of work. i can't call in sick. i ACTUALLY had work to do. i went all-in once so i can bust out when i held A 5 offsuit, but nobody called. i figured with about 5000 chips left and the blinds at 150/300 with 120 people left, i have a good chance in finishing in the money. 70th-80th place gets 34 bucks. i don't mind making it at that range. (i made the big mistake of telling people at my table about this dilemma, so i think most of them will attempt to steal my blinds even if they have mediocre cards. i won't do that again. the telling them about my dilemmna part, i mean. i have to remember i am playing with strangers who don't give a damn whether you have to go to work or not. they are there to win your money and they are definitely not my friends. bottomline, they really don't care.)

i just checked my partypoker account right now and it showed that i won 51 bucks! wow, even better than i expected. i must have finished somewhere at 60th place or something. i wonder if i would have finished higher if i actually played my chips (or the downside, i wonder if i would have finished IN THE MONEY at all!) i guess i will never know...unless i play again...and this time...not when i have to go to work.

i was browsing around for poker blogs a few months back and i stumbled across Andrei's page. i like that page. he often goes into details on how he played a hand and the people he played with. i found it very interesting and extremely informative. his most recent entry was about the YATCH-7 tournament he played in. that is where i found songmonk  which led me to his entry about that same tournament...which led me to some more of his poker blog entries and to a POKER community.(now, how do i add myself to the POKER community?)

that's how i got here.

i'm a poker beginner. i learned Texas Hold'em poker while waiting for an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on Bravo channel. I saw an episode of Celebrity Poker Challenge instead. Ben Affleck was there and some other not-so-famous celebrities. I was hooked. It turns out, it was the WORST way to learn poker. I compensated by learning to play "right" in hold'em tournaments with extremely low buy-ins with friends, reading up on poker (books, magazines, rgp...anything poker related) and playing online. the last one is somewhat bitter sweet. this is where i learned about bad beats (and plenty of it.)